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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  March 9, 2016 11:30pm-12:32am EST

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(phone ringing) you can't deal with something, by ignoring it. but that's how some presidential candidates seem to be dealing with social security. americans work hard, and pay into it. so our next president needs a real plan to keep it strong. (elephant noise) (donkey noise) hey candidates,
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( band playing intro music ) ( band playing "late show" theme ) >> stephen colbert!
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hey! welcome to "the late show." ( cheers and applause ) that's nice. i can use it. thanks so much, everybody. thanks so much for being here. lovely. this is lovely to have an audience with that kind of energy on hump day. i really appreciate it. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. and i am so glad you're here, i am so glad you're excited. i do need your energy because i don't want to be alone right now. i just heard something shocking. youifies like kraft macaroni and cheese? ( cheers and applause ) , of course, you do. you're human beings. of course, you love it. well, brace yourself, because kraft has announced that they've gone natural. yeah, yeah, yeah. that was my reaction because i first assumed that natural meant they were doing their products in the buff, but it's even more
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when they say "natural," they mean they have removed all artificial preservatives, flavors and dyes from their classic mac and cheese recipe. i don't get it. i don't get it. i was not aware, first of all, that a packet of dust was a-- ( laughter ) technically a recipe. ( laughter ) here's the deal. kraft claims you can't taste the difference, and they can prove you can't taste the difference because they changed the recipe three months ago and they've now sold 50 million boxing of the new recipe without people noticing. all right. but we're americans. you throw enough salt and pepper in there we'll eat the box without noticing. this is wrong, wrong! this is a serious breach of trust. when i pick up a package of
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certain amount of fake ingredients. ( laughter ) but now, instead of artificial coloring, they're using spices like paprika and something called annatto. what the hell is annatto? >> jon: i don't even know. >> stephen: i don't know. i want good old-fashioned coloring like yellow number 6. i know where yellow number 6 comes from, right between yellow 5 and yellow 7, right where it belongs. if you missed the original recipe, just melt an orange crayon in there pup get the same basic effect. it doesn't congeal as fast. we've got a tasty show for you tonight. ( cheers and applause ) a very tasty show tonight, very tasty. my first guest is hollywood
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everybody loves, everybody loves sally field! she's so lovely. then i'll be talking to the star of "the carmichael show" jerrod carmichael, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) really funny guy. such a nice funny fella. and we'll have a performance by the lovely speranza spalding. we all know that's jon batiste and stay human. say hi to the band, everybody. they're about to play music, but before they do, one more thing. a canadian thief has turned himself in after his victim friended him on facebook. apparently, the thief would rather go to jail than look at any more baby photos.
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sally field. jerrod carmichael. and a performance by esperanza spalding. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, jon, thank you, joe. are you all right?
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what's going on over there? that looks like-- that looks like you're doing a one-man limbo over there. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: we've got another week and a half before we go on vacation. >> jon: 10 weeks, man. >> stephen: we're 10 weeks into the show. i'm feeling good. where are you going on vacation, by the way? >> jon: i go to my house. ( laughter ) >> stephen: so you just go to your house and sort of-- what do you do there, just eat macaroni and cheese? >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: do you eat the macaroni-- does this news upset you the way it upsets me about the macaroni and cheese? >> jon: big time, i remember when i was a kid, the macaroni and cheese. >> stephen: meredith, do you eat the macaroni and these. this is one of my producers. >> yeah, i ate a lot as a kid and then in college. but i never had milk. >> stephen: it's ultimate midnight food. >> i never had milk so i just put the powder right on -- >> you just put the powder on the noodle with no milk? did you put butter in or anything?
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>> stephen: why don't you just chop out a few lines of the orange powder and snort it. >> that would be a good idea. >> stephen: the whole macaroni and cheese thing clearly has upset a lot of people, not just me. every two years, the president gets a physical. i guess the vice president asks for it to make sure the president is still alive. president obama just had a physical, and we found out this morning from white house corkts-- this is absolutely true-- in the past two years, president obama has grown half an inch. he's 54 years old. that is very late for puberty to kick in. i'm not sure if that's a change i can actually believe in. i'm 51, and my doctor just told me, and this is also true-- i'm
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life, and my doctor told me i'm 5'10.5". there goes my modeling career. i don't understand what's happening here. is obama trying to make himself look bigger to intimidate congress, like how a lizard puffs out its neck frill? "confirm my supreme court nominee!" ( applause ) ( cheers ) or maybe he's just fudging his height so he can ride the white house rollercoaster. it doesn't end there. have you heard about hank the ballpark pup, the upofficial mascot of the milwaukee brewers? of course you have. this is hank. in 2014, this little dog here wandered into spring training and was adopted by the brewers. it's natural. isn't that nice? that's lovely. and it's great for the dog
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is every dog's dream. those guys play catch all the time. and the fans, of course, loved hank. but the next season, 2015, a few of them noticed suspicious changes in hank's appearance. his coat was lighter, his ears had changed, and his face had a different shape. it's this kind of careful, meticulous research by brewers fans that once again proves that anything is more interesting than actually watching the game. and one fan was so upset he took to the internet to expose the lies. >> there's a baseball blogger that said hank was replaced with a lookalike. now, his theory is that hank 1 died in june, and rather than breaking hearts, fans were kept in the dark. >> stephen: that's right. he claims it's a puppy cover-up. the real hank passed away and was secretly replaced with a lookalike. it would explain why most baseball teams use costumed mascots.
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nobody knows. ( laughter ) though, to be honest, most of those guys are already dead inside. ( applause ) ( cheers ) now, questions about hank were mounting, so on friday, the chief operating officer of the brewers was actually norsed to come forward with an official response. >> this is definitely the original hank, and this is a notarized document from hank's veterinarian. hank's microchip was scanned and found to be the one inserted in 2014 at lakeside animal hospital. the best way to calm down conspiracy theorists is to tell them you're implanting
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( cheers and applause ) i want to reassure nervous brewer fans and anybody out there who is afraid obama was replaced because he's half an inch taller. nobody is secretly replacing >> yes indeed! >> stephen: play us out to commercial, jon! >> yeah! >> stephen: we'll be right back with sally field. pain from your day can haunt you at night, don't let it. advil pm gives you the healing sleep you need, helping you fall asleep and stay asleep so your body can heal as you rest. advil pm. for a healing night's sleep. alright, what do you think boys? we could do tacos.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. emmy- and oscar-winning actress and one of the most beloved performers in america. please welcome sally field.
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( cheers and applause ) >> i figured helen did it. why can't i? is there you won't get an argument from me. ( laughter ) this job is getting better and better every day. sally field. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: i think it goes without saying i had a crush on you when i was a child. ( laughter ) and that hasn't gone away. it's just been revived in a large way. ( laughter ) >> you're fine. you're just fine. >> stephen: well, that's all we have time for. thank you so much. >> thank you.
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for being here. you are a two-time oscar winner. you are a three-time emmy winner. ( cheers and applause ) you are one of the most respected and beloved actresses of any screen you want to look at. and your new film is called "hello, my name is doris." >> yes. >> stephen: and i love this film and i love your performance. >> thank you. >> stephen: you-- you want to tell the people who doris is, and who she's saying hello to? ( laughter ) >> you, right now. >> stephen: all right. >> she's saying hello to the world. it's a coming of age story of a woman of age. >> stephen: right. >> and she-- the way she comes out of her shell after her entire life of 60-some-odd years-- never mind how old you are. it doesn't matter. is she has a tremendous crush on a very much younger man. >> stephen: max greenfield, who were on here just the other night. >> yes. >> stephen: charming. >> the movie's not about that. it's just about what gets her
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movie is like you're never too old to be young. and she is someone who has been a bit of a shut-in. >> yes. >> stephen: and then she goes out and gets a new job in this office, and her life opens up, >> stephen: yes. >> stephen: and this immediate crush she gets on max. >> yes. >> stephen: and we have a clip right here of one of your conversations. >> very good. >> is that a baby boy on the nuclear winter cd? >> yes. >> that's my favorite band. >> you're kidding. >> i wouldn't have thought you'd be into electronic music. >> i am. i'm a real music person. i like electronic, doo-op, and show tunes. >> you're a baller, doris. straight up. >> thank you.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: and she falls for him hard. >> she does, hard. >> stephen: what do you think she wants out of this relationship? ( laughter ) what do you think she sees in him? because she's needs-- she wants him so badly. >> she wants to have a really good friend. ( laughter ). >> stephen: but she-- she fantasizes about more than just friendship. >> well, yeah, yeah. >> stephen: much has been made-- >> i know. >> stephen: of a couple of kisses in this movie. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: what do you make of the fact that much has been made of you making out with max greenfield. >> well, a pair of lips is a pair of lips, huh? >> stephen: yeah. and mine's just another pair that you pass by in the night. that's just in, love them and leave them field, they called you. next! next! >> i've been kissing guys on the screen for the last 53 years of my life.
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big deal? >> stephen: give me some of the best kisses. >> i'm still trying to get over paul newman. tonight could have been it, though. i might have actually gotten over it. ( applause ). >> stephen: could have. could have? >> could have. i don't know. i don't know. there was some good ones in there. >> stephen: yeah. >> there were some really good ones. there were some rotten ones, too, but you sort of forget about those. you try to forget about them. >> stephen: is there any overlap between, like, sally field and doirs at all. >> oh, yes. >> stephen: she's a shut-in and you seem so effervescent and outgoing. >> no, no, no totally. i'm a complete utter hermit. everybody knows that who knows anything. >> stephen: i've made out with you, i don't know that. you're a compleept and utter hermit? >> yeah, it's really kind of odd. i'm sort of never seen. i'm-- i was never socialized as a child, obviously. i needed some play dates, and they never happened. >> stephen: you were never socialized?
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>> i don't want it to sound quite like that. but -- >> sad is good. sad can be good. >> no, i didn't have a lot. i started in the business when i was 17. and at that time, they were so much older than me -- >> this is you. this is you. >> that was right before i started in the business. i was a senior in high school. yeah. and literally, six months later, i had a television series. so -- >> giget? was that "giget?" >> yeah, that was "giget." >> stephen: i want to hear a little more about you the sad chiles with no friends but we have to take a commercial break. will you stick around for? >> yes, i'll stick around. and this is ford f-150. with a high-strength, military grade aluminum-alloy body... it's up to 700 pounds lighter than before, so you can tow more of this... haul more of that. and f-150 is the winner of a
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we're back with sally field. sally, before-- before we took the commercial break. >> yes.
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about how you were, you know, not that outgoing. >> no, nope. >> stephen: as a child. can i ask you something-- >> oh, dear. where are we going? >> stephen: here's another photo of you when you were younger. this is you as homecoming queen. >> i didn't make homecoming queen. i was first runner up. there was somebody else standing here with the crown on her head. i'm the first runner up. >> stephen: you're in the court. >> yeah. >> stephen: but you tried? >> you don't run for those things. i was in the drama department all the time, and i think they liked my last performance, and that's why i was there. >> stephen: but you're in the drama department. were you voted class clown? >> i was class clown but only because i was funny on stage. when i got off stage i was like... ( laughter ) >> stephen: do you remember-- is that why you were on stage? >> yes! >> stephen: because you could go outgoing there and not someplace else. >> yes! yes! yes! >> stephen: so did you shock
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stage, "you're usually so funny. why are you so bored and scared now?" >> >> absolutely. >> absolutely. and when i was on stainlts of stage, because i was raised in 50s. when i was on stage i could be mean. one time i crawled across the stage andit my shoe on this guy's bare foot as hard as i could. and i said i don't know what came over. i was in an improv moment. i don't know what happened. needless to say i hated this guy. and i could never tell him or be mean. i was always, "hi, roger. how are you today?" and the minute i could, i got him. oh, whoops. these things happen on stage. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: now what about this? so if you were shire and retiring, were you-- how did you feel about your own sexiness? because you became a sex symbol. >> di! >> stephen: you totally became a sex symbol. >> when was that. >> stephen: i've seen some photos of you with tight jeans
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thumbs in your-- i wish i had them here. i don't have them here. i'll have to go to my computer and look them up. ( laughter ) no, you were sexy, come on! "the flying nun" was not sexy, but "gijent" was sexy in an innocent way. you were sexy in the 70s. you're sexy now, you're sexy now. >> okay, i accept it. thank you so much. >> stephen: you were totally a sex symbol. >> absolutely i was. absolutely. i was the quint stcial version of sex symbol. ( laughter ) >> stephen: there are different-- you were-- you were-- >> i was a whole lot of things, and i still am. ( cheers and applause ) i don't want to argue with you. >> stephen: what i'm trying to say is you have enormous range on stage. >> thank you. >> stephen: and on screen. >> thank you. >> stephen: in fact, in this movie you play not only just high comedy, but you also play tragedy. >> yes. >> stephen: like she's a troubled person.
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she's very borderline personality. she has some situations going on. >> stephen: she does have some situations going on. but you're laugh-out-loud funny. >> thank you. >> stephen: that's a rare role to play. >> it's a very rare role. it's a very unusual character with a very unusual character. and to blend those tones together of high-romp physical, clown coam dee with real deep sadness. >> stephen: that's a hard turn to take. >> it's very hard to do. but as an actor it was boy, oh, boy, let me at it. >> stephen: a lot of actresses your age say that there just aren't roles for women after-- >> there aren't roles for women even. you're younger. there might be more opportunities to say no to things or do things that you go, "why can't i, like, be, you know, important in this role? why can't i have a three-dimensional character?" >> stephen: why can't i stab somebody in the foot with the heel of my shoe. >> yes! >> stephen: something like that. >> yes! i didn't stab him.
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it just hurt fair while. politics? clinton? >> you betcha i am. i have been. ( cheers and applause ) i have been for a very, very long time. i mean, i don't-- i mean, i'll go door to door. i'll wash everybody's car who isn't voting for her. ( applause ). >> stephen: thank you-- >> yes? for being here. me. >> stephen: i feel like this ( laughter ) of a good date. of a first date. >> yes, and we're going to kiss at the door? no, my parents are waiting up. >> stephen: that's true. and i think-- and i'm pretty sure my wife's going to watch tonight. hi, honey. thank you so much for being here. "hello, my name is doris" is in theaters on friday. the great sally field, everybody. we'll be right back.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is a comedian who created and stars in "the carmichael show" on nbc. >> the point is, successful people cheat.
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let's break this down by income. if a man makes less than $50,000 a year, that man... ( laughter ) probably faithful. but if he makes, like, 50 to 100 grand, that means he thinks about it but won't act on it. you have nothing to worry about. >> what. >> a half a grand, 100 million, he's definitely cheating. and anything over 100 million means his wife knows his mistress by name. >> stephen: please welcome jerrod carmichael! ( cheers and applause ) >> i wanted-- i was gonna kiss you. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm down for that. i'm down for that. not a problem.
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like if i don't stop this train, then before you know it, everybody-- everyone -- >> and then-- >> during the primary s. >> stephen: and then esperanza spalding is going to kiss me, and where does it lead? >> where does it stop? you know what i mean? it stops in cold sore vill. that's where it stops. you gotab careful with that. hey you guys. you guys are fantastic. >> stephen: rbt aren't they. >> and i like your shoes. >> oh, yeah, the jordans. >> , of course, they're jordans. i know the signsave rough childhood when i see one. those are nice shoes you got on right there. >> stephen: let's talk about your childhood. >> oh, wow. >> stephen: right now you're on a rocket ride. your hbo comedy special. you're about to launch your second season of your show. >> yeah. >> stephen: congratulations on that. >> thank you very much, thank you. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you're only 28 years old. >> yeah. >> stephen: when i was 28 i was promising the woman who was about to marry me, "i promise you, i will get a job." >> really?
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i'll get one. >> it turned around fast. what are you, like, 35. >> stephen: late 30s. >> late 30s. yeah, yeah, turned around fast. >> stephen: you're from winston-salem, north carolina. >> did you go to r.j. reynolds high. >> stephen: i'm from south carolina. >> that's right. >> stephen: do you miss home at all? >> i miss eating. i miss the amount of brown food. >> stephen: yeah. >> they would-- that i would eat. everything was, like, so fried. ( laughter ) you know, and i live in l.a. >> stephen: that's the secret of the south, man, dip it in concrete and deep fat fry it, no matter what it was. >> that's right. just throw it in there. health smelth. you. >> stephen: know what course it is based on the amount of powdered sugar shaked on top. >> exactly, exactly. that's how you know it's breakfast. what city in south carolina. >> stephen: james island, but then charleston down the coast. >> yeah. i think it's really nice.
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sally endorse hillary. you know, and that's good for, i guess, south carolina to hear right. >> stephen: good for south carolina to hear endorsing hillary? >> i feel like, you know, we live in these bubbles you know, l.a. and new york, and i realized that people don't vote the way you think people are going to vote. you know. people are having, like, interesting views. a lot of you, i'm sure, are from, you know, place where's-- like donald trump, for instance, he sounds like totally absurd to a lot of my friends. and i get that he says, like, crazy things but, you know, i get that a lot of people, obviously, are still supporting him. >> stephen: clearly. more and more people all the time. >> and truthfully, as someone who recently moved to a new tax bracket... ( laughter ) i-- i think he has some interesting ideals sometimes. ( laughter ) ( applause ) like every now and then -- >> he's making some sense. >> every now and then -- >> you know what you are? you know what you are right now?
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>> it's about time. >> stephen: you made this. >> thank you very much. you know, here's the thing. >> stephen: what is the thing. let me write thing down. >> write the thing down. here's the thing. >> stephen: "the thing." >> i realized a thing i may agree with trump on. >> stephen: what's that? >> the wall. i like the wall. >> stephen: yeah. >> i saw him here. he was talking about the wall, big fat door. i tonight know what that means. i don't like hearing him talk about the wall, but i like the idea of a wall. and it's not that i'm, like, anti-mexican, but i'm pro wall. >> stephen: you just enjoy walls in general? >> walls are amazing. like we have them in our homes for a reason. you wouldn't tear down a wall so one of your neighbors could oppressed. weather out. >> it keeps the weather out. walls are great. >> stephen: it won't keep the mexican weather out of the united states. it would have to be a very tall wall. >> i thought it was interesting. i wanted to endorse somebody, and i didn't feel it.
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>> but you endorsed trump just now. >> no, no! that's-- ( applause ) i gotta think about it. i gotta make sure i'm not. i'll-- i'll let you know in a couple of weeks. >> stephen: tonight, the new season premiere is this sunday officially. >> yeah. >> stephen: but what time by the way? >> oh! 9:00. 9:00. >> stephen: did you just pull that one out of your hat? >> exactly. you know exactly what i did. just start watching around 8:30. ( laughter ) eventually, just -- >> it it will get to you. people. preview. it's already been on by the time of this broadcast. but a preview half hour. >> sneak peek. >> yeah. >> stephen: basically, that >> yeah. >> stephen: do you take a moral stance in this on everybody cheats or are you okay with the moral ambiguity with, want? >> i think you could earn it. >> stephen: you could earn
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>> you earn it. you work really, really hard. you work really, really hard. >> stephen: how cow establish that ledger with your wife? i just want to keep track, and once i take the garbage out 10 times-- >> i'll tell you, i'll tell you, by not being married, number one. that's the easy way for me to do it. i think certain people kind of earn cheating. you work really, really hard-- not that you earn it, but you earn immediate forgiveness. >> stephen: really? >> yeah, like, for instance, bill gates cheats on his wife, right. >> stephen: no, not right, not right. no, he does not. >> sure, but -- >> melinda is lovely. >> she is beautiful and there's no reason to. if he did -- >> if. >> he deserves at most a stern talking to. ( laughter ) >> stephen: why, because he's rich. >> because he's rich, of course,. >> stephen: how high of a tax bracket are you in right now? ( laughter ) ( applause ) you really do sound like a trump voter. >> the kind where morals are like blurred.
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you guys-- you guys-- you guys clap. there are people here that kind of, you know, you forgive it. sometimes. >> stephen: well, we like rich them. yeah, that's cool because when i get there i want those rules for me. >> exactly, exactly. and cheating is one of those rules where the line should be-- listen, we shouldn't erase the line. it should be like a wall. ( laughter ) >> stephen: and you just get a ladder and climb right over it. >> you climb over that wall into your mistress' apartment. >> stephen: can mexicans just earn the right to come to the united states if we build a tall enough wall, and if they make the effort to get over it, you go, "okay, you're in?" >> yeah, well, here's the thing. apartment. i like people to be invited. and i'm not-- i wouldn't stop anyone from coming. i would just like to know that you're coming. for instance, i'm here because of slavery, right? >> stephen: no, you're here
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( applause ). >> exactly. exactly. yeah. >> stephen: your family, your family is here because of slavery. >> but even slavery in a sense it's like, you know, it was an invitation. it was an aggressive invitation. >> stephen: yes. it was one of the toughest unpaid internships ever offered. >> hard invitation, but an invitation. >> stephen: yeah. well how about an invitation to come back. this has been delightful. >> thank you for having me. i'm a huge fan. >> stephen: i'm thrilled and i can't wait to see the show. and i enjoy your views on immigration. ( laughter ) and i-- and welcome to the tax bracket, my brother. >> thank you very much. thank you very much. >> stephen: >> stephen: season two of "the carmichael show" premieres this sunday at 9:00 on nbc. jerrod carmichael, everybody! we'll be right back. today' s the day! oh look! creepy gloves for my feet. see when i was a kid there was a handle. and a face.
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( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. sally was talking about hillary clinton earlier and jerrod was talking about trump, and there were some primaries last night all around the country. and you want to talk. the election a little bit right now? ( applause ) here's what happened. on the democratic side last
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feeling the bern. ( cheers and applause ) and the bern was not just from the water in flint. bernie sanders stunned the prognosticators by taking michigan after trailing hillary clinton by 21 points. but hillary clinton took it graciously. here's her official statement after the results came in. >> what's happening! ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: now, on the republican side, donald trump won the primaries in michigan, mississippi, and hawaii, so now aloha means both hello and good-bye, republican party. did y'all catch his victory speech? ( cheers and applause ) i thought you did.
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channel. i think even nick jr. was running it because i saw some sort of orange blob on tv. so, hey-- hey! hey, kids! hi! hey! hi! hey! hey! mexicans are coming to kill us! so here's the deal. last week, mitt romney called donald trump a fraud and a bad businessman because things like "trump" magazine, and trump water, and trump steaks had all failed. so last night, after winning mitt's home state of michigan, trump's victory speech had a little bit of product placement. >> mitt romney got up and made a speech the other day. i brought some things up because he said my water company is gone. i said, "it is? i didn't know that." i have very successful companies. we sell water, and we have water, and it is very successful . we have "trump" magazine.
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beach." it goes to all of my clubs. i've had it for many years, and it's the magazine. you have the wines and all of that. very proud of that. it's as good wine as you can get anywhere in the world. and we have trump steak. >> stephen: that's right, trump gave his victory speech next to a pyramid of raw steak. he was either trying to introduce mitt rom or introducing his new running mate, trump, pile of maelt, 2016. good luck telling them apart. it was like watching an infomercial. if he's elected, this would make trump the first president with a sicker, "as seen on tv." >> i think, i think-- if we're honest, i think i know what's going on here. donald is just insecure. i don't know if trump even wants to be president. the guy just needs constant validation.
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love? just love and maybe steak. ( laughter ) and if we just give that to him, maybe he'll go away. so mr. trump. ( cheers and applause ) mr. trump-- mr. trump-- and i know you're watching because i said your name three times-- i just want you to know that everyone thinks you're cool. okay, you are smart. you are good at companies and businessing. and no doubt, you're hung like a pool noodle. oh, what's that? i'm getting a phone call. hello? oh, it's everyone who made fun of donald trump in high school! what's that? you were secretly jealous of and now you're married to far fewer women? okay, i'll tell him. good-bye, real call. ( laughter ) besides, donald, you don't need to run for president, because there's an even cooler, more
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we've all voted that you are it. it's america's number one man. and tonight, to make it official, i'm giving you the "number one man" trophy. and you'll love it because it's packed with meat. ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with esperanza spalding. nothing will keep you from magnum double caramel. silky vanilla bean ice cream & rich caramel sauce all covered in thick chocolate. discover magnum,
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"good lava" please welcome four-time grammy winner esperanza spalding.
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